Things for which I am grateful

1. Friday happy hours. Being able to re-hash the week and events with co-workers is really nice for me. Even though it's always the same group (and I love them) I appreciate this break at the end of the week.

2. My husband, who appreciates my need for space, and isn't clingy.

3. Students who let me know that they like having me as a teacher, vocally or through other means. There are very specific examples that I will keep to myself, as I do not feel like tearing up too much this evening.

4. The Wii and all the Mario games. I just ordered the Mario All-Stars game for my Wii and I am uber-excited about playing Mario 2. I'm seriously going to look up walkthroughs to help me through the things I couldn't pass as a kid.

5. Having a newspaper staff that wants to take risks and that is okay with backlash...in fact, they welcome it. They want to stir the pot, and I am proud of them.

6. Having a mentor that actually lets me know that he is proud of me, and who is proud to hood me at the commencement ceremonies in May where I feel like I am walking for no reason, since I still have to finish a full third of my program this summer.

7. A supportive sister who always calls me even though I almost never call her. I am a terrible communicator with family members and she just barrels through that and forces me to talk, which is something I need.

8. A mother who doesn't interfere with my life. Ever.

9. Pasta and wine.

10. The ability to grow things. Even though some creature keeps digging in my flower pots. Seeing things that I planted last year bloom today makes my heart burst with pride because I didn't kill the dianthus, even though I thought I did.

I don't know why I feel it is necessary to have this outpouring of affection for various things, I just do. A lot in my life has been negative lately, and I'm trying to move beyond that, and focus on some good things in my life.

Yes, I'm fat. But people in my life love me regardless.

I am self-critical to the point of being an emotional masochist. I am still loved even though I may not always love myself. (Seriously, I replay things over and over and over in my head...it's painful and yet I still do it, anytime I do something that is possibly offensive, hurtful, controversial, or just plain stupid...over and over and over.)

My house is a mess. The cats and dog do not complain.

I take too long to grade assignments and am often a scattered mess this time of year with all the things I have to do. But, my students do not shun or disown me. In fact, they ask me more often if they can help, how my day is going, or just make it a point to talk to me, an act for which I am forever grateful.

I am always in a constant state of trying to love myself. Are others as self-critical as I am? I am very happy with the person I am, but I can't let the little slip-ups go. I must agonize over them, and scrutinize them until I exhaust myself with the possibilities of what I could have done. My husband just lets things go. I wish I could do that; I know he doesn't understand why I can't. I don't even know.

So, tell me: Am I an emotional masochist, or do others suffer over their mistakes to the point of detriment?