So, last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was hit with Beethoven-overload-insomnia. I couldn't get the 2nd movement of the Eroica out of my head...the funeral march. I finally left the bedroom and slept on the couch. For some reason, I was asleep in 10 minutes there. I think Anchovy's comforting purring at my feet helped (he's always waiting for someone to come sleep on the couch!).
After I went back to the bedroom around 5:30, I had an awful dream. I dreamed that my dad (who passed away over four and a half years ago) had gone to some church in Wichita and came back, declaring that I was "sick" and needed medication. He forced me to take some kind of pills, though they didn't seem to do anything, and held my sister and me hostage in our home. Mom was nowhere to be found. She had run away before he came back. I kept trying to call her, over and over...but my sister and I were being watched. My dad had put a recording device in our room. I only called when I knew he was asleep. At one point, I escaped, but found that there were obstacles I could not pass, and so I turned back. I finally got my mom on the phone, but she just sounded cheerful and willingly ignorant of the situation. I felt defeated, and lost, and sad.
WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!? I spent most of the morning trying to shake the awful feeling I woke up with, and even teared up getting in the shower thinking about it. It's no secret that losing a parent is difficult, even years later...and I can certainly say the details of my father's passing were not...optimal. However, I hadn't even thought of him in days. I just saw my mom yesterday evening, so who knows where all of this came from.
In better news, I turned a corner today in the kitchen, and am re-vamping how I eat. Yet again. I am following myself on Livestrong's myplate online, and have set myself up to lose a pound a week. A nice, reasonable number. I have decided to ditch the grains, and focus on proteins, fruits, veggies, and a little dairy instead. For example, I will have yogurt with berries and almonds in the morning, with just a little honey to sweeten. I justify the honey because it is local ;) Lunch will likely be an antipasto platter in my lunchbox, with organic cherry tomatoes, prosciutto, bell peppers, mozzarella pearls, and probably a cut-up peach, if they will ripen up a bit. I'm making beef stroganoff over green beans for dinner. Yum. That will be lunch for a couple of days.
I find it easier to eat cleaner if I ditch the rice, pasta and so forth. I always eat too much, anyway, if I make it. I have plenty of pasta in the pantry, though, nice high-protein and whole wheat pastas, for days when I feel the need for them. This isn't Atkins, folks. It's kind of my own design...sort of a mesh of Paleo/Primal and, well, "normal" eating. Alcohol will be a once or twice evening treat, not the beerfest June was. Sheesh.
I also find it easier to eat less this way. Like I said, I always overeat on the carbs, anyway, so cutting them out is an easy solution. I just have to up the veggies in their place, and I doubt that any doctor or nutritionist could argue with me that more veggies in my diet is a good thing. It's also easier for me to eat less, because I don't get as hungry. Hell, today I have lots of calories left to eat, according to myplate, and I haven't even had dinner yet! And that's breakfast, lunch, and a snack.
So, good luck to me. I am really thinking about starting C25K again, as well, and might get up early in the morning to see how the hot weather feels. It's 106 right now, so evening runs are out of the question, at least for this hot-natured woman. I quite liked running, and the peace it brought me early in the mornings. I think I could do that and use the new weights and things we have here (I need to inflate my stability ball! Husband, where are you??!) and possibly drop the gym membership and enjoy that money in other ways. Like putting it into savings for shopping when I hit my first goal!
I should set a goal for 15 pounds on my birthday. I think it will be a birthday/weightloss shopping spree. I think that's reasonable.
Off to blow up my ball!