Friday, January 28, 2011

You think you know someone...want to know more about me?

I've hemmed and hawed for awhile about doing an in-depth post, and I figured there was really no time like the present. I don't think I ever did much of an "introduction" post, as most of the people who read this blog know me outside of the internet. However, how often can you say that you really know someone? Outside of my sister and my husband, I think there are few that can truly say that.

I'm not really even sure how I should approach this blog post, as it's kind of awkward. I mean, I'm about to bear my soul, but I think that it will shed some light on some issues. Rarely do I ever let people get close enough to know all that much about me, outside of the unabashed sense of humor, the fact that I never beat around the bush with any issues, my ability to be brutally honest, almost to the point of cruelty...but where does all of that come from? There are reasons all of those traits are there. I think they were always kind of there, but events in recent years have caused them to bubble to the surface.

A few questions:

Why do I have a blog trying to keep myself accountable for weight loss? Why did I put on the weight in the first place? Well, almost three years ago, I found myself reacting irrationally to many every day situations. I would just flip out, to put it nicely. I don't even know why my husband put up with it. After awhile, I found out he just thought that was normal. The fact that he thought that I was really like that still breaks my heart. I didn't like what I had become. One day, I decided that I should have a physical, since I had never had one as an adult, just to make sure everything was on the up-and-up. The PA and I discussed all of the events in my life that had occurred in recent years: the long-term illness, estrangement, and death of my father (actually, we didn't talk about that all that much), starting my new job as a band director, the stress of that first job and the stress of losing it, getting married, moving in with my then boyfriend, later husband, the stress of taking on a new position where I had essentially now clue what I was doing, and the tasks which were piled onto me on what seemed like a daily basis...and well, she decided to put me on anti-depressants. I agreed to take them, shocking myself. They were a new brand, Pristiq, which touted no weight gain, which was something I was fighting at the time.

The makers of Pristiq lied. Yes, I felt better. I even learned how to manage my irrationality and react appropriately to stressful situations. But I gained somewhere between 30 and 40 pounds in about a year. I decided I had learned all that I needed, and per our 1-year agreement, I weaned myself off of the drug.

That was the most awful 2-3 weeks of my life. I felt anxious, nervous, restless to the point of taking hours long walks, nauseous to the point of nearly vomiting in my graduate courses that summer, so dizzy that I could barely even sit without falling over. I eventually shook the dependency and came off the drug, but my coursework suffered and I amazingly squeaked by with an A in my courses, though one of the professors so kindly let me know that she was surprised the averages "worked out" the way they did. I still don't like her.

Ever since then, weight has been a major struggle. I don't totally blame the Pristiq for my weight gain; however, it seemed to make the gaining so easy. I had maintained for quite some time at a weight that my body was comfortable with. I now seem to have issues with getting the weight off. I lack the drive or willpower or something. So, that's why I have the blog chronicling my failures at getting my weight back to a comfortable level.

I think that one question at this point is enough. I will likely post more insight into my inner tickings another time. I can, however, at least say that I am a much more stable person now. I do my best to control my reactions, though sometimes it is still a conscious effort. I have days that are very hard, and I don't really have many people with whom I can discuss that, although there isn't much to say about it. I'm hoping to find some kind of catharsis through all of these ramblings.

On a more positive note, a student today complimented my band directing skills. The kid is no slack (in fact, he was with me today because he made an honor band and we had to travel for that) so I appreciate and respect his compliment.

No comments:

Post a Comment